WHITNEY: (SHIRELLS STYLE)

Whitney, Whitney,

What will the kitchen staff do, without Whitney?

Shoo-wop shoo-wop

Roland will burn the soufflé

Jos will drop every tray

From the tears in their eyes

'Coz Whitney's gone away.

PAUL: (TALKING COUNTRY/WOODIE GUTHRIE STYLE)

The only thing Paul loves more than Paul is Velveeta

Velveeta, Velveeta, I wouldn't eat ya

For if I dared

I too might turn copper-haired

From too much Velveeta

But the main reason I won't touch Velveeta

Is really much, much sweeter.

I'm leaving it all for you Paul

Eat it up in Conway, y'all

RACHEL: (SLOW BALLAD)

Rachel. I want to tell you we're the same

Alike in one very special way

Rachel. It's about hair

'Coz just like me every day you've got less up there!

(Although mine comes out without any expense!)

JASON: (FAST, WITH ENVY)

Gimme that hair!

Gimme that hair!

Gimme, gimmee, gimme, etc.

How come you've got so much?

And give some to Dr. Green as well!!

BRAD (RAMONES/FAST PUNK STYLE)

Hey Brad

It's really sad.

Makes me mad.

Very sad.

Not glad.

'Coz Brad.

You're the only student in the whole of UCAN who as a student in my class I never had.

Brad.

KATHERINE: (FAST, 1977 BRITPUNK, LONDON ACCENT, MINIMAL MELODY)

Kafrin Parker went to England

To hear some band in concert

Kafrin Parker went to London

She said she really luved it

Kafrin Parker went to Brussels

To ear some uver music

Kafrin Parker said they 'ad funky lights and funny pictures

And there was about free 'undred people at the show

Kafrin likes rock music

Kafrin likes rock music

(CHANGE PACE TO SLOW, SPEAK WORDS)

But Katherine's also a philosopher of life

She wants to know what it's all about

Well, Katherine, let me tell you

Speaking as an academic

A doctor of philosophy

The meaning of life is . . .

(BACK TO ORIGINAL PUNK VIBE)

Kafrin Parker went to England!!!!

Jumpin' up an' down!!! (etc.)...

CORRINE: (STARTS SLOW, INCREASINGLY MANIC)

Corrine wrote a first-rate paper

Of that there is no doubt

But Corrine.

If you come in.

Even just begin.

Corrine.

To come in

To my office with one more draft for me to read over

I'm gonna ram that paper down your neck because I can't stand it anymore. ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

LINDSEY: (VERY SOUTHERN AND COUNTRY

Lindsey. I hear you like a country song.

So I'm gonna sing one now f'r you

Gonna make it right purty and down home

An' sing it in yer ear

Lindsey's going home tonight, etc.

BRITTANY AND BRITNI: (SING TO TUNE OF MACARTNEY AND STEVIE WONDER'S "EBONY AND IVORY")

Bri-ttan-y and Bri-ti-ni

Sit together in perfect harmony

Side by side in the UCAN letter box

Because Fumio arranged it in alphabetical order by first name and not last, which I only just figured out a few days ago.

SHANNA: (YOU NEED TO HEAR IT, REALLY)

ShANna

ShANna

Shan-NA

Shan na na na. Hey Hey. Good-bye!

MEGAN: (TO THE TUNE OF THE BAD COMPANY SONG)

Megan. When I think about you. And your paper.

Megan. When I think about you. I think about "A"

But now I

Feel like Megan's gone

Feel like Megan's gone back home.

ASHLEY: (TO THE TUNE OF DAVID GRAY'S "SAIL AWAY")

Ashley's gonna

Sail away from us, honey

Put her bags on the plane

Sail away from UCAN now, now, now

Sail away from Conway

What will be will be

I'd better hurry up and grade her exam.